Breathe
by HouseoftheBadger
Summary: Lily and Sirius are wandering the hallways of Hogwarts and had just rounded a corner when the former Black heir dragged her behind it again, only to sink to the floor, shaking and breathing heavily. He must've seen something that triggered this behind the corner, but what is there to cause /this/ there?


**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or the Marauders**

 **Trigger warning: panic attacks**

 **(I realized I should probably start putting trigger warnings here. Better safe than sorry, right?)**

* * *

"I can't _believe_ you got me into detention." A young woman's voice laughed. "My first detention that wasn't one of the few I've got for hexing idiots."  
" _I_ got _you_ into detention?" a man's voice replied, sounding like he was smirking. "It was all your fault. You were the one who wanted to prank the Slytherins as a revenge for yesterday in the first place."

A woman with warm red hair and a man with long black hair showed up around the corner. They walked next to each other and looked very cheerful. The black haired man – Sirius Black – had his arm flung over the woman's – Lily Evans' – shoulder.  
"You're the mater prankster though, Sirius, you and your gang. You're the ones who are supposed to be able to get out from detentions." Lily said, smiling. Sirius laughed loudly.  
"Did you _see_ Minnie's face when she realized that her golden Gryffindor Miss Lily Evans had pranked someone? Can't _wait_ to tell Prongs, he'll be so jealous he wasn't there."  
The redhead joined in on Sirius' loud laughter, ignoring the looks they got from the people they passed. The students and teachers of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry still hadn't completely accepted that Lily Evans, the only one outside Slytherin House who had stood up against the school's most popular students; the Marauders, was now a friend of theirs and they were often seen together, laughing, joking or even pranking, even though this was the first time Lily had been caught for pulling pranks.

They kept talking loudly when they made their way back to the Tower and the Gryffindor common room where they would meet up with James, Remus and Peter. News traveled fast at Hogwarts, so it wasn't impossible, or even unlikely, that their friends would already have heard about what had happened. And if they hadn't, so much better. It would be great to see their faces.

Lily laughed at the thought as they rounded a corner. It was true, the other three Marauders, especially James, would be so mad they weren't there for her getting her first detention as a prankster. Suddenly she heard Sirius gasp, and then felt his hand grab her arm. Suddenly she found herself on the other side of the corner again, almost falling to the floor in surprise. When she found her balance again she was just about to ask Sirius what the hell was that? But that was before she took a better look at him.

* * *

Sirius looked straight out panicked. She had honestly never seen him like this, not even once. He stood leaned toward the wall, hands trying to grip the stone, and looking like he was trying to melt into it. He was breathing hard and his eyes had grown wide and fearsome. Sirius actually looked a bit like a panicked bunny. What could've done this to him? What could've frightened him like this?  
"Sirius?" Lily asked, carefully, not wanting to startle him. He didn't react. "Sirius?" She tried again. " _Sirius!_ " She shouted quietly. Finally he turned his eyes to her, even though they didn't get narrower. "What's going on?" This time she said it lower, so no one would hear. She knew the disowned Black heir wouldn't want anyone to see him like this. Probably not her either. The only person she could actually think of that she was sure he wouldn't dislike seeing him panicked, was James. While neither Remus and Peter were unacceptable, she had learned, it seemed like only James was the one that didn't make him feel ashamed over his panic attacks, anxiety or whatever it was. She had only seen him get an anxiety attack once, and the Marauders had cleared the entire common room within a minute. She wasn't exactly sure how they had managed seeing how there had been over thirty students in there – it had included Remus threatening to take points from everyone remaining in there, though, for the first time abusing his position as a prefect – but only after James and Sirius were left in there for almost an hour before they let anyone back in.

"No." He whispered. "They can't be here. Please no."  
He sank down to the floor and just sat there, staring at nothing. He began shaking. Lily was getting really scared now. What was wrong with him? She should run after James, he would know what to do, but she couldn't leave him. Wait. Whatever it had been had been around the corner. Sinking to her knees, so she wouldn't be seen, she took a deep breath and looked around the corner, slightly afraid of what he would see.

To her great shock there was nothing strange in that hallway. Looking around, she saw that it was almost empty. The only living things there were Professor Slughorn, and two other people – who for sure didn't look pleasant, but still. What was it he had become so frightened of? Then Lily looked closer to the witch and wizard and realized they looked very familiar. Oh. _Oh_.  
"Your parents?" She looked back at Sirius, who nodded mutely. Lily suddenly understood why he was so panicked. She didn't know any details – they had not been offered her and she had not asked – about how Sirius came to live with James' family instead of his own, but she knew the events that lead to it had not been pretty. She was quite sure she had heard Remus mention something about the Cruciatus Curse, and if they had used it on Sirius she was not surprised he reacted badly. She also knew that the Black brothers had lived through some really bad abuse as children, though which kind hadn't been specified. Not that it mattered, it was horrible no matter how they had been abused.

Okay. The red head took a deep breath, absentmindedly twirling a loop of her hair around her finger. They had to get through this somehow, and she couldn't leave her friend, so there was no other way to get through this but that she got them through it. And it was possible that Mr and Mrs Black and Professor Slughorn would come this way, and other students would definitely do so, so she had to do it quick before someone saw Sirius like this, or he'd never forgive himself for panicking.

"Sirius." She said. "Sirius, listen to me." Thankfully he turned his eyes to her, nodding slightly, almost invisible, to show that he had heard her. "Breathe. Just focus on breathing. In and out. In and out."  
She was pretty sure this was how she had seen James' handle the beginning of Sirius' attack the time she had seen it, before she got thrown out from the common room. He didn't seem to listen.  
"Sirius, I'm going to put my hands on you now. Is that okay?" Lily knew you should never touch someone with a panic attack without their permission. He nodded slightly. She put her hands on his shoulder, looking into his grey eyes. He was sweating. Keeping her voice down so no one would hear, she repeated it. After a few moments Sirius did as she said and Lily let out a breath of relief when he began to breathe normally instead of those shallow gasps. The shaking became less intensive too. They should move away from here, that could ease the attack, but the risk of meeting someone was too big. Or worse; waking the attention of Slughorn or the Blacks.

"Okay, Sirius. Listen to me. We must get through this. And we are going to have to pass your parents to get to the Tower. We can't go the other way either, the hallways will be filled with students any time now. Only we seventh years have a free day for studying, after all, and everyone else's class will end soon. But you are safe, I promise. I'm here to help." She said with the calmest and clearest voice she could manage while still keeping quiet enough so no one would hear. "I understand you don't want to meet them. I do. Oh. Are you thinking of meeting them now, or did seeing them bring up memories that caused this?" Lily was very glad she had went to a short course of healing, a healer from St. Mungo's had held, thinking it could be good to know in the war, and that they had gone through panic and anxiety attacks in that class. Otherwise she really would've had no idea what do to. But she had to know what had triggered his panic. The thought of meeting his parents, or remembering something they had done to him.  
"M-meeting them." He succeeded to stutter out. "F-first time."

Ah, it was the first time since he ran away he had seen them. Yes, of course that would be a shock. Them suddenly showing up at Hogwarts, what was supposed to be their sanctuary. She would be upset if Petunia did (not that she ever would, of course) and her relationship with her sister wasn't half as horrible as Sirius' with his parents.

"Hey." Lily said the only thing she could think of, having no idea whether it was a proper thing to say to someone having a panic attack or not, but it was the only thing that came to mind. "Don't you want to show them that you don't care about what they think in the slightest? That you're doing perfectly fine without them. Make them angry? You would be safe, they can't do something when the teachers are here. When _I_ am here. _Oh_. You can even pretend I'm your girlfriend if you want. Your _mudblood_ girlfriend."  
Somehow that seemed to get through Sirius' panicked mind and something glimmered in his eyes. He took another deep breath.  
"D-don't call yo-yourself that." He said, part of his old fire coming back. Lily couldn't help but smile with relief. If he reacted to the word 'mudblood' then he must be getting better. It took another few minutes, but then Sirius had finally stopped shaking, sweating and everything else that came with panicking.

* * *

For a moment he looked embarrassed but then he got a determination in his gaze and stood up, brushing off whatever dirt he had gotten on his jeans, t-shirt and leather jacket, and gave her a half-smile. He still looked slightly shaky, but they both ignored it.  
"Well, my dear Evans, if you're going to be my girlfriend then you'll have to do something with your hair. The girlfriend of Sirius Black cannot have that mess on her head."  
Normally Lily would've scolded him for being vain, but she was so relieved so she only laughed quietly. And when she dragged her fingers through her hair she realized he was right. She was a mess.  
"Here, let me do it for you, Flower." Sirius smiled and took out his wand, waving it over her head. She could feel her hair being put into place. "If you're going to play my girlfriend we need another name for you. I don't want to put you in danger. I don't think they would care, now when I'm disowned, but better safe than sorry."

Lily raised an eyebrow but nodded, smiling back.  
"Liliette. Because why not?"  
"That's the spirit, love." Sirius put his arm around her shoulder. "Shall we go into the lion pit, then?"  
"Let's go." She agreed and they rounded the corner. The smile on Sirius' face dropped immediately as he saw his parents, but he didn't waver this time, and there were no signs of panic. He only looked determined and hateful.  
"Deep breaths." She reminded him quietly and he nodded before they began walking toward them. Slughorn noticed them first.

"Ah, Mr Black, Miss Evans!" He said, sounding delighted. Mr and Mrs Black immediately turned toward them when they heard their surname. Sirius glared at them all, including the Potions teacher.  
"Good day, Professor." Lily greeted, but eyed the Blacks wearily. She was glad she had her wand easily accessible, just in case.

"Sirius." Mr Black said icily, his voice almost shaking Lily to the bone. How could Sirius have survived being close to this man for sixteen years?  
"Father." Sirius's voice matched perfectly, making Lily's eyes widen. Wow. He sounded really frightening. Perhaps she could understand why Sev… _Snape_ thought him capable of murder, if Sirius had often used that voice when talking to him. "Mother."  
If possible, the black haired young man's voice was filled with even more hatred when he looked at the woman standing in front of him. Then he smirked. It was an almost cruel smirk.  
"Have you met my girlfriend? This is Liliette." He sent a glare toward Slughorn, daring him to say something. He didn't, he simply looked confused and had a really odd look on his face. "She's muggleborn."

"What?" Mrs Black exclaimed, sounding furious, before calming herself. Well, now Lily knew where Sirius had gotten his temper from. "Of course the bloodtraitor is dating a mudblood." She spat. Lily gaped. She used that word - those _words_ \- in front of a teacher? Slughorn opened his mouth to say something, but before he could, Sirius had his wand up, pointing it at Mrs Black.  
" _Do not dare to call her that_." He hissed.  
"You _dare_ …" Mrs Black began, but then Mr Black held up his hand and she fell quiet. Judging from Sirius' face, that was a bit surprising.  
"What the disgrace does doesn't matter, dear." There was no love in the word 'dear', though. It sounded like it was simply something he said to keep a façade of family love up. Lily didn't think anyone but the most stupid people would be fooled. But then Mr Black turned back to them, his eyes completely void of emotion. He was twirling his wand between his fingers, making Sirius recoil slightly before catching himself when Lily gripped his hand, which was hanging over her shoulder. "But I do not care that you're no longer my son, _Sirius_. I will not accept you threatening my wife."

"I would never, _Father_." The past Black heir replied, sounding almost as callous even though Lily could sense a slight fear in his eyes. "Why would I threaten Mother dearest? After all, she's only the woman _who destroyed my life_. Just like you did. Now, if you excuse, I have to go tell my bloodtraitor and halfblood-friends about how my muggleborn girlfriend here got detention by pulling a prank together with me. It was a true pleasure meeting you again. Good afternoon."

Ignoring how furious his Mother looked and how contemplative his father looked, Sirius motioned to her that they were going to go and they marched past the Blacks and Slughorn.

They hurried toward the Tower, not speaking and ignoring the looks they got from the younger students who had finished class. Something that was stranger than a Sirius Black and Lily Evans laughing and joking was a Sirius Black and Lily Evans looking so grim but not at each other, instead they practically clung on each other.  
Sirius looked both relieved, pleased and proud, though, which made Lily feel so too. He had went from having a panic attack to facing his fears in about ten minutes. She was so proud of him. Which shocked her, as it did every time she realized she was proud over James, Sirius or Peter. She still had a hard time believing she was their friend now.

They walked quietly for a few minutes, and they were getting close to the Tower when Sirius spoke up.  
"Lily?" He said. She almost jumped. It was really unusual that he used her first name without making it a nickname of some kind, such as Lilykins.  
"Yes?"  
"… Thank you." He didn't say anything more, but he didn't need to. She knew it was a big blow to his pride to even utter those words. She smiled and squeezed his hand.  
"Anytime, Sirius. You know that."

He nodded and gave her a smile. A real, sincere smile. She smiled back before stopping them. She stood on her tip-toes and kissed his cheek. A grin.

"Lucky for me, Prongs didn't see that." He teased her. Lily laughed, even though it hurt. James wasn't interested in her anymore, so he wouldn't care if she kissed Sirius' cheek. Sadly, she had admitted to herself only last week that she had fallen in love with him back. What a cliché.

They reached the Fat Lady, who smiled at them as they gave her the password, and stepped in.  
"Padfoot! Lily!" The voices of the other three Marauders came. "Is it true what we heard? Have you got _detention_ , Lils?"

They laughed again and walked in. Detention and pranks now. Sirius would tell his friends about his parents later. That was not the important thing now, Sirius thought as he began to tell them what had happened, making it as dramatic as possible. He grinned as he got the attention of the entire common room. It was good to be him.

* * *

 **Okay, first thing first: I don't know a single thing about panic attacks. Never had one, never seen one, and I hope I never will. So any inaccuracies is there because I know nothing about them.**

 **Second thing second: Well, I haven't written it before, but I realized it is pretty likely that Sirius sometimes had panic/anxiety attacks, because... well, it's pretty obvious why. He had a horrible and probably abusive childhood.**

 **Other than that... I wanted to write something Sirius & Lily, and I wanted Sirius to meet his blood-parents after running away from home, and this is what it became. I know it's not very good - I think I'm going into one of those periods when I get no good ideas and cannot write until I actually get a really good one - but well... I wanted to publish it anyways. Not very long, but definitely longer than most things I've published for a while. So I apologize for not being able to write good for the moment. But still, prompt me. It might get me back on track.   
I especially want If They Lived-prompts. I feel like writing some of that now. I'm working on one, but I want more.**

 **Well, as no one wants to read a too-long Author's Note, I'm stopping there. Have a good day. :)**


End file.
